TREADING WATER!!!!!!

TREADING WATER!!!!!

So much has happened in the last month. Talisa and McCoy  came out to help me, we still had more packing to do and of course the A/C broke when it was in the 100's in Texas. So we couldn't stay and pack, we went to the aquarium, Fossil Rim rock, the pool anything to try to stay cool. The guy had to order the part and the part was defective, (of course it was). So 4 days later, we had A/C. Blake came and we packed up the UHAUL and a trailer, with much help from so many great friends, I kept praying that God fed a 1000 with one loaf of bread, that he could help make things smaller in the UHAUL so everything would fit. Well it didn't all fit, so many of my good friends kept a lot of "crap". But sadly I couldn't fit my beautiful dinning room table and 6 chairs. My heart hurt because Rex bought it for me. My friends Kris and Don are trying to sell it. It was very hard to leave, my heart was breaking to say goodbye to the house and so many sweet friends. :(! So after loading it to the rim from end to end and top to bottom like a Tetris game!!!!!!! We were off to Utah. We were half way to Amarillo and the transmission in the UHAUL started to slip, we prayed and prayed and it limped to Utah. We stopped at the big Texas Steakhouse home of the 72oz steak. Tried to talk Blake in to eating it for fathers day, but he wouldn't. And we went to the Cadillac Ranch and sprayed grafitti on the cars. It was really fun.
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Talisa and her prime rib!

 We arrived in SLC on Tuesday June 19th in late afternoon. It took us 3 days to get there. Sweet McCoy at 7 months old didn't like being in car seat for 8 hours. So thankful again to the Garrison family. Lora Garrison had 8 friends there to help unload the UHAUL!!!! I can't even express my gratitude to them, we were wore out and Talisa was sick. My brother Jim and his friend Char helped and we had it unloaded in just a few hours.                                                                                        

I stayed there for 2 days, then my mom called and said my dad wasn't doing well, so I headed to Delta, glad I did. He knew me when I got there and he was in and out. I had to call hospice and put my nurse hat on and get him the meds he needed. The next few days were very rough and special at the same time. He woke up at times and talked but slipping away quickly. I prayed that he could wait to pass until I could get there.I''m thankful my prayers were answered.  All his children were there on Saturday to see him.  My sweet Daddy passed away on Monday June 25, with his family at his side. It was hard to be at the side of another great man has he left this world. But knowing he is not in pain anymore and is with Rex helped. It was hard to plan another funeral in such a short time. It doesn't seem fair to loose my husband and daddy in 4 months, so I'm trying not to drown!!!!

He is one of the last "Good Ole Cowboys". He was the happiest on his horse Buck riding the range. He will be greatly missed. We had a great funeral to celebrate his life with a last ride "Cowboy Style".

His well worn tools of his long life trade, saddle, hat, rope, chaps and rifle. 

 My brother Justin made the wood branding and had the floral shop put it together. Loved it

Daddys last ride.

Dad's brothers, Myrl, Elgin, Raymond, Alden (dad's sister's husband), she passsed away several years ago, Jerry. So good to see them.

I stayed with mom during this whole time, somedays she is ok and then she has a hard time. I know exactly what she is going through.  I have gone up and back to Salt Lake to try to unpack a few things. 

Enjoyed the 4th of July in Delta, first time in 5 years I have been there and it is a fun place to be.

 Sweet McCoy at his first 4th of July parade!

Jagger and Jhett loved getting candy and the horses!

My Almater High School Band!

At this moment, I am at the hospital with my mom, she is having some heart surgery. I pray that all will go well. So many things going on that I sometimes feel like I'm drowning. But I will keep paddling, whether it is treading water, back floating or dog paddling, I'll keep going, what other choice do I have?  I just hope and pray I soon get a break, because I can feel I'm getting a little weaker. So tread baby tread!!!!!

STRESSFULL!!!!!!

STRESSFULL

I thought I couldn't get more stressed than when Rex got cancer and died, but I was wrong. It is a different stress, but I feel  more stressed. When he was sick and getting sicker, I had one thing to think of, taking care of him and making him comfortable.During that time I was in a tunnel, trying to stay between the lines.  Now I have had the house to sell, which the 2nd contract was accepted, waiting to close hopefully at end of month!!! Met the wonderful people who are buying it and I feel good about it. But still very hard emotionally dealing with it. I have had alot of business things to deal with, get rid of stuff, sell stuff, pack and pack and find place to live in Utah!!!!. Had a last pool Memorial Day party here. So many wonderful friends and family here. I had to come in the house many times so no one could see me crying. Last year we had a party and celebrated Rex's birthday at same time. So it was first Memorial Day and Rex's birthday. Hard day!!! So check list has been sell house, check, sell Rex's truck, check, find place to live in SLC, check. Sell Rex's lawn mower, check, sell couches, check, sell BBQ, check. Tomorrow is my last day at work, check!! So many memories with my sweet husband going out the door. I have to keep saying it is only a house, it is only things. I have his memories and his love to hold on to right? So many memories with my friends. I refuse to say good bye, only see you later.  Now it is pack, pack, throw away, donate, pack, wrap, pack!!! Will it all fit?????? Talisa and McCoy and Blake's mom Lisa came out on May 30th to help pack. So thankful for Lisa, she was like a bull dog packing. So grateful for my sweet daughter. Got so much done, I'm so grateful . McCoy is so busy, but is in the stage he wants to have his momma in sight all the time!!!! So hard to get things done.

My dad is worse now and at home, I will be going to take care of him and my mom for a while, so the nurse's job continues. My heart hurts to think what is in store in the next few months. Somedays, I just want to stay in bed and have a pitty party. I am so tired of dealing with stressful situations. Does life ever get easier and non-stressful? I 'm not asking for much, but I would like to finish dealing with one death and life change before the next.

I so need a day of vacation or week. Anything or just letting someone take care of me. But I guess that is not in the cards right now. But maybe I want a different hand dealt to me, but then I see or talk to someone and realize it can always get worse.  I pray hard, sometimes harder than before, for more people now, so many in need of so much. I do beleive in miracles and pray that those that need them can recieve them. So I feel I am back in the tunnel, trying to stay between the lines.

They say what doesn't kills us makes it stronger, so I expect to jump buildings in a single jump soon!!!!
Moving on...........

 Rex's sister's decorated his grave for Memorial Day and his birthday. When I get to Utah will get the grave stone.

Pool party so many great friends and family!!!!

Sweet McCoy and Talisa , so thankful to have them here with me!!!

FEELING SOME PANIC

Feeling some panic!!!! Not quiet sure why, except in a month from tomorrow, the moving truck will be loaded, house cleaned and moving out of the state of Texas. Feeling overwhelmed. Still waiting to see if the buyers of my house excepted my counter offer. Looking around at all I still need to pack and sell, putting stuff on craigslist. Still dealing with all the stuff my husband collected. Will it all fit where I'm going, will I fit in where we are going? How about finances? What about a job? Saying goodbyes!!!!!! Saying Hellos!!!!!!! SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH................................................................................
So many memories of my sweet husband to leave in Texas and the house. He loved Texas with all of his heart! He was more from Texas than Utah!!!! So many dreams we didn't get to fulfill here. So many WHYS??????? I keep saying it's just a house. But we loved the house, we loved being here doing things together. My heart hurts tonight!!!! I haven't cried in over a week, but tonight I find my self in tears!!!I thought I was getting stronger, but now I just feel weak and feel panic!!!!!!

IT IS WHAT IT IS!!!!!

It is what it is!!!!!! When Rex got diagnosed  with Cancer that was our saying. Instead of moping and being depressed about it all, we would say "It is what it is,". So we just had to suck it up and deal with it. Sometimes I stop and say that now, but it doesn't seem as easy now to say it!

Last Sunday when I started this blog, it was one of the worst days I have  had felt since Rex  died. I h cried the entire day. I couldn't hardly even talk on the phone .Sundays are really hard for me since that is the day he died and it is a quiet day. Going to church is hard, people are sweet and mean well, but when they ask me how I'm doing and what am I doing I just loose it and cry.   Since last Sunday I have prayed so hard that it would somehow get easier, because I could not continue to have days like that. I can say that for some reason this week has been a little easier. I feel more comforted this week. I have tried to change my attitude. I have had some great talks with good friends and have listened and taken their advice.  I have been a nervous wreck about selling my house before I move in a month. Where am I moving to, what will I do? How will I financially be able to deal with what is a head of me? How to do it all? My parents, my family? So much on my plate and I am still haven't dealt with my sweet husband leaving my side. As my friend said "What is the worse that can happen"?

I have written my resignation from work. Great people I have worked with and for in the last 5 years. The goodbyes that are ahead of me make my heart hurt.

 When we got married 16 years ago, we lived in the same ward we do now. I have had some of these friends for along time. These friends have become my family. When you live outside of Utah and away from family, you have to make and depend on others. I will admit I am a little nervous about moving back with Utah Mormons, when I was first divorced and went to church, the women there were not very nice to me. I was told after I moved that I was a thereat to some of the women, because I had a good job and dressed nice and carried myself well. It hurt to go to church back then, because no one would talk to me, I would pray for just someone to talk to me, I went because I had a little girl to take and wanted to set a foundation for her. I pray that this time being a "Widow". It will be easier.

This week there has been quite a few  house showings. I have stayed busy at work. I had decided since it was Mother's Day, I just couldn't handle going to church  with all the families together, so I listened to scriptures and decided to go to the Dallas Arboretum by myself. It was a nice day, I walked around, looked at the beautiful flowers and exhibits. Talked with all of my family. My beautiful daughter/son-in-law and sweet baby McCoy!!!!! The house was  being shown today. When I got home found out there is an offer on my house!  Talisa and Blake have found us a house to move into in SLC! So all in all it has been a pretty good week! Since Rex has died, I think this is the first Sunday I haven't been  tears, so to me that is making progress!!!!!

I continue to pray for guidance, I know the Lord is blessing me and Rex is helping me. I try to keep my head up and keep moving.

So today was a good day!!!!

Where do I being? What do I say? So much I want to say. But some may not want to hear. I'm starting this blog to see if it can give me some comfort to get my feelings out and hope that it helps to heal my heart, my open wounds that don't show on the surface, but are deep penetrating wounds. In the beginning it will probably be depressing to read, but I hope as time goes on, it will get better. I do have some happy things and good things in my life, that I have to focus on to get me through these trying times.

When we are young and growing up we invision our lives a certain way. Or at least I did. I would go to college, marry a man I adore and he adored me, have several children and love life. I knew there would  be ups and downs, but wow did I get more than I even could've dreamed of. I did go to college to be a RN and it has been a great career for me. I did marry a man I adored and we had a beautiful daughter Talisa, who has brought more joy to my life than I ever imagined. After 7 1/2 years found my self a single mother. It was a very difficult time in my life, but I did it. There were times taking her to day care at 6 am which was hard. But we got through it. Remarried a wonderful man Rex several years later and found my self moving to Texas, I had prayed to meet somone great, but I didn't pray to move to Texas and moving away from my family. It was a new experience in it self to remarry and move so far away. He was great and tried so hard to make everything wonderful. Was it easy no, was it worth it. YES. Marriage is a challenge each and everyday. It requires much effort and one hopes that the good days out weight the bad days. You learn to grow together and work hard through the good and the bad. We moved to Georgia worked hard, disappointments along the way. When I invisioned my life, it was never with only 1 child, but that's what I was blessed with. But thank goodness she has been so great in my life. I don't know what I would ever do without her.

Over the last 16 years, we had many ups and downs in our marriage and life, but until 2 years ago when the battle of our lives of fighting cancer started. So much I could say there, but I have written about it in the www.carringbridge/rexlindley.org. Last Feb I had a feeling that we needed to go on a family vacation with Talisa and Blake, I just new in my heart that we had to go. I was afraid to face what I felt was to come in the the next year or so. My fears were correct when Rex's cancer came back in Sept. I am so thankful for the time we shared together on our cruise last May at this time.

We had just a great time and that was really the last time I saw Rex smile and laugh. He swam with sting rays. We walked on the beach and the ship and just spent quality time together, which I am so grateful for today.

Since then Talisa and Blake have had a beautiful boy named McCoy and I am so thankful I was able to be there when he was born and spend sometime with him. Thanks Talisa and Blake for allowing me to be a part of that special time. My heart was changed that day. So grateful for Rex's mother coming to stay with him so I could go to Utah. I'm so grateful that Rex was able to meet his sweet grandson before he left us. When McCoy was here Rex wanted to hold him as much as he could. He fed him, burped him and rocked him. McCoy fell asleep in his arms many times. Rex bought him a pocket knife long before he was born and insisted in buying him his first 22 rifle. Rex made a video to McCoy that I hope McCoy will know how much he loved him, even though he didn't get to know his grandpa Rex.

When Rex began to get sicker in January, I knew his time on earth was getting shorter and it was so hard to watch him be in pain and I prayed he would not suffer. We talked about what would come in the future and I told him I would be ok. As it got closer he began to suffer and it tore my heart out. Unless you were here or have gone through this, you truly have no idea how it tares your heart out. I prayed for him to go and quit suffering, but when the day came, I was not ready. It is so hard to put in to words. I had music playing for Rex most of the time. He loved music. As time was getting closer for him to leave this earth, I lay next to him in the bed and the song "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban was playing when he passed. We both loved that song. I was alone with him, but friends and family came to my side quickly. I am so greatful for my close friends and family who were by Rex's side when he was ill and remain by my side today. I don't know what I would do without you. And some have truly disappointed me and hurt me.  The last few months have been harder than I even imagined. And I don't know what I would do without my good friends and family. Love you so much. I am forever grateful.

For some reason the last few weeks have been very hard and I find my self so emotional that it is hard to be around people and talk on the phone. I am trying to do the best I can. I feel my wounds are deep and many have told me it takes along time for them to heal.  I pray that the Lord will continue to help me and guide me through this Journey. Sometimes I feel totally alone. It is a new experience for me everyday. So I just try keep on moving.

Hopefully not all my posts will be so depressing. But right now I'm just keeing it real.