Feeling some panic!!!! Not quiet sure why, except in a month from tomorrow, the moving truck will be loaded, house cleaned and moving out of the state of Texas. Feeling overwhelmed. Still waiting to see if the buyers of my house excepted my counter offer. Looking around at all I still need to pack and sell, putting stuff on craigslist. Still dealing with all the stuff my husband collected. Will it all fit where I'm going, will I fit in where we are going? How about finances? What about a job? Saying goodbyes!!!!!! Saying Hellos!!!!!!! SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH................................................................................
So many memories of my sweet husband to leave in Texas and the house. He loved Texas with all of his heart! He was more from Texas than Utah!!!! So many dreams we didn't get to fulfill here. So many WHYS??????? I keep saying it's just a house. But we loved the house, we loved being here doing things together. My heart hurts tonight!!!! I haven't cried in over a week, but tonight I find my self in tears!!!I thought I was getting stronger, but now I just feel weak and feel panic!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
IT IS WHAT IT IS!!!!!
It is what it is!!!!!! When Rex got diagnosed with Cancer that was our saying. Instead of moping and being depressed about it all, we would say "It is what it is,". So we just had to suck it up and deal with it. Sometimes I stop and say that now, but it doesn't seem as easy now to say it!
Last Sunday when I started this blog, it was one of the worst days I have had felt since Rex died. I h cried the entire day. I couldn't hardly even talk on the phone .Sundays are really hard for me since that is the day he died and it is a quiet day. Going to church is hard, people are sweet and mean well, but when they ask me how I'm doing and what am I doing I just loose it and cry. Since last Sunday I have prayed so hard that it would somehow get easier, because I could not continue to have days like that. I can say that for some reason this week has been a little easier. I feel more comforted this week. I have tried to change my attitude. I have had some great talks with good friends and have listened and taken their advice. I have been a nervous wreck about selling my house before I move in a month. Where am I moving to, what will I do? How will I financially be able to deal with what is a head of me? How to do it all? My parents, my family? So much on my plate and I am still haven't dealt with my sweet husband leaving my side. As my friend said "What is the worse that can happen"?
I have written my resignation from work. Great people I have worked with and for in the last 5 years. The goodbyes that are ahead of me make my heart hurt.
When we got married 16 years ago, we lived in the same ward we do now. I have had some of these friends for along time. These friends have become my family. When you live outside of Utah and away from family, you have to make and depend on others. I will admit I am a little nervous about moving back with Utah Mormons, when I was first divorced and went to church, the women there were not very nice to me. I was told after I moved that I was a thereat to some of the women, because I had a good job and dressed nice and carried myself well. It hurt to go to church back then, because no one would talk to me, I would pray for just someone to talk to me, I went because I had a little girl to take and wanted to set a foundation for her. I pray that this time being a "Widow". It will be easier.
This week there has been quite a few house showings. I have stayed busy at work. I had decided since it was Mother's Day, I just couldn't handle going to church with all the families together, so I listened to scriptures and decided to go to the Dallas Arboretum by myself. It was a nice day, I walked around, looked at the beautiful flowers and exhibits. Talked with all of my family. My beautiful daughter/son-in-law and sweet baby McCoy!!!!! The house was being shown today. When I got home found out there is an offer on my house! Talisa and Blake have found us a house to move into in SLC! So all in all it has been a pretty good week! Since Rex has died, I think this is the first Sunday I haven't been tears, so to me that is making progress!!!!!
I continue to pray for guidance, I know the Lord is blessing me and Rex is helping me. I try to keep my head up and keep moving.
So today was a good day!!!!
Last Sunday when I started this blog, it was one of the worst days I have had felt since Rex died. I h cried the entire day. I couldn't hardly even talk on the phone .Sundays are really hard for me since that is the day he died and it is a quiet day. Going to church is hard, people are sweet and mean well, but when they ask me how I'm doing and what am I doing I just loose it and cry. Since last Sunday I have prayed so hard that it would somehow get easier, because I could not continue to have days like that. I can say that for some reason this week has been a little easier. I feel more comforted this week. I have tried to change my attitude. I have had some great talks with good friends and have listened and taken their advice. I have been a nervous wreck about selling my house before I move in a month. Where am I moving to, what will I do? How will I financially be able to deal with what is a head of me? How to do it all? My parents, my family? So much on my plate and I am still haven't dealt with my sweet husband leaving my side. As my friend said "What is the worse that can happen"?
I have written my resignation from work. Great people I have worked with and for in the last 5 years. The goodbyes that are ahead of me make my heart hurt.
When we got married 16 years ago, we lived in the same ward we do now. I have had some of these friends for along time. These friends have become my family. When you live outside of Utah and away from family, you have to make and depend on others. I will admit I am a little nervous about moving back with Utah Mormons, when I was first divorced and went to church, the women there were not very nice to me. I was told after I moved that I was a thereat to some of the women, because I had a good job and dressed nice and carried myself well. It hurt to go to church back then, because no one would talk to me, I would pray for just someone to talk to me, I went because I had a little girl to take and wanted to set a foundation for her. I pray that this time being a "Widow". It will be easier.
This week there has been quite a few house showings. I have stayed busy at work. I had decided since it was Mother's Day, I just couldn't handle going to church with all the families together, so I listened to scriptures and decided to go to the Dallas Arboretum by myself. It was a nice day, I walked around, looked at the beautiful flowers and exhibits. Talked with all of my family. My beautiful daughter/son-in-law and sweet baby McCoy!!!!! The house was being shown today. When I got home found out there is an offer on my house! Talisa and Blake have found us a house to move into in SLC! So all in all it has been a pretty good week! Since Rex has died, I think this is the first Sunday I haven't been tears, so to me that is making progress!!!!!
I continue to pray for guidance, I know the Lord is blessing me and Rex is helping me. I try to keep my head up and keep moving.
So today was a good day!!!!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Where do I being? What do I say? So much I want to say. But some may not want to hear. I'm starting this blog to see if it can give me some comfort to get my feelings out and hope that it helps to heal my heart, my open wounds that don't show on the surface, but are deep penetrating wounds. In the beginning it will probably be depressing to read, but I hope as time goes on, it will get better. I do have some happy things and good things in my life, that I have to focus on to get me through these trying times.
When we are young and growing up we invision our lives a certain way. Or at least I did. I would go to college, marry a man I adore and he adored me, have several children and love life. I knew there would be ups and downs, but wow did I get more than I even could've dreamed of. I did go to college to be a RN and it has been a great career for me. I did marry a man I adored and we had a beautiful daughter Talisa, who has brought more joy to my life than I ever imagined. After 7 1/2 years found my self a single mother. It was a very difficult time in my life, but I did it. There were times taking her to day care at 6 am which was hard. But we got through it. Remarried a wonderful man Rex several years later and found my self moving to Texas, I had prayed to meet somone great, but I didn't pray to move to Texas and moving away from my family. It was a new experience in it self to remarry and move so far away. He was great and tried so hard to make everything wonderful. Was it easy no, was it worth it. YES. Marriage is a challenge each and everyday. It requires much effort and one hopes that the good days out weight the bad days. You learn to grow together and work hard through the good and the bad. We moved to Georgia worked hard, disappointments along the way. When I invisioned my life, it was never with only 1 child, but that's what I was blessed with. But thank goodness she has been so great in my life. I don't know what I would ever do without her.
Over the last 16 years, we had many ups and downs in our marriage and life, but until 2 years ago when the battle of our lives of fighting cancer started. So much I could say there, but I have written about it in the www.carringbridge/rexlindley.org. Last Feb I had a feeling that we needed to go on a family vacation with Talisa and Blake, I just new in my heart that we had to go. I was afraid to face what I felt was to come in the the next year or so. My fears were correct when Rex's cancer came back in Sept. I am so thankful for the time we shared together on our cruise last May at this time.
We had just a great time and that was really the last time I saw Rex smile and laugh. He swam with sting rays. We walked on the beach and the ship and just spent quality time together, which I am so grateful for today.
Since then Talisa and Blake have had a beautiful boy named McCoy and I am so thankful I was able to be there when he was born and spend sometime with him. Thanks Talisa and Blake for allowing me to be a part of that special time. My heart was changed that day. So grateful for Rex's mother coming to stay with him so I could go to Utah. I'm so grateful that Rex was able to meet his sweet grandson before he left us. When McCoy was here Rex wanted to hold him as much as he could. He fed him, burped him and rocked him. McCoy fell asleep in his arms many times. Rex bought him a pocket knife long before he was born and insisted in buying him his first 22 rifle. Rex made a video to McCoy that I hope McCoy will know how much he loved him, even though he didn't get to know his grandpa Rex.
When Rex began to get sicker in January, I knew his time on earth was getting shorter and it was so hard to watch him be in pain and I prayed he would not suffer. We talked about what would come in the future and I told him I would be ok. As it got closer he began to suffer and it tore my heart out. Unless you were here or have gone through this, you truly have no idea how it tares your heart out. I prayed for him to go and quit suffering, but when the day came, I was not ready. It is so hard to put in to words. I had music playing for Rex most of the time. He loved music. As time was getting closer for him to leave this earth, I lay next to him in the bed and the song "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban was playing when he passed. We both loved that song. I was alone with him, but friends and family came to my side quickly. I am so greatful for my close friends and family who were by Rex's side when he was ill and remain by my side today. I don't know what I would do without you. And some have truly disappointed me and hurt me. The last few months have been harder than I even imagined. And I don't know what I would do without my good friends and family. Love you so much. I am forever grateful.
For some reason the last few weeks have been very hard and I find my self so emotional that it is hard to be around people and talk on the phone. I am trying to do the best I can. I feel my wounds are deep and many have told me it takes along time for them to heal. I pray that the Lord will continue to help me and guide me through this Journey. Sometimes I feel totally alone. It is a new experience for me everyday. So I just try keep on moving.
Hopefully not all my posts will be so depressing. But right now I'm just keeing it real.
When we are young and growing up we invision our lives a certain way. Or at least I did. I would go to college, marry a man I adore and he adored me, have several children and love life. I knew there would be ups and downs, but wow did I get more than I even could've dreamed of. I did go to college to be a RN and it has been a great career for me. I did marry a man I adored and we had a beautiful daughter Talisa, who has brought more joy to my life than I ever imagined. After 7 1/2 years found my self a single mother. It was a very difficult time in my life, but I did it. There were times taking her to day care at 6 am which was hard. But we got through it. Remarried a wonderful man Rex several years later and found my self moving to Texas, I had prayed to meet somone great, but I didn't pray to move to Texas and moving away from my family. It was a new experience in it self to remarry and move so far away. He was great and tried so hard to make everything wonderful. Was it easy no, was it worth it. YES. Marriage is a challenge each and everyday. It requires much effort and one hopes that the good days out weight the bad days. You learn to grow together and work hard through the good and the bad. We moved to Georgia worked hard, disappointments along the way. When I invisioned my life, it was never with only 1 child, but that's what I was blessed with. But thank goodness she has been so great in my life. I don't know what I would ever do without her.
Over the last 16 years, we had many ups and downs in our marriage and life, but until 2 years ago when the battle of our lives of fighting cancer started. So much I could say there, but I have written about it in the www.carringbridge/rexlindley.org. Last Feb I had a feeling that we needed to go on a family vacation with Talisa and Blake, I just new in my heart that we had to go. I was afraid to face what I felt was to come in the the next year or so. My fears were correct when Rex's cancer came back in Sept. I am so thankful for the time we shared together on our cruise last May at this time.
We had just a great time and that was really the last time I saw Rex smile and laugh. He swam with sting rays. We walked on the beach and the ship and just spent quality time together, which I am so grateful for today.
Since then Talisa and Blake have had a beautiful boy named McCoy and I am so thankful I was able to be there when he was born and spend sometime with him. Thanks Talisa and Blake for allowing me to be a part of that special time. My heart was changed that day. So grateful for Rex's mother coming to stay with him so I could go to Utah. I'm so grateful that Rex was able to meet his sweet grandson before he left us. When McCoy was here Rex wanted to hold him as much as he could. He fed him, burped him and rocked him. McCoy fell asleep in his arms many times. Rex bought him a pocket knife long before he was born and insisted in buying him his first 22 rifle. Rex made a video to McCoy that I hope McCoy will know how much he loved him, even though he didn't get to know his grandpa Rex.
When Rex began to get sicker in January, I knew his time on earth was getting shorter and it was so hard to watch him be in pain and I prayed he would not suffer. We talked about what would come in the future and I told him I would be ok. As it got closer he began to suffer and it tore my heart out. Unless you were here or have gone through this, you truly have no idea how it tares your heart out. I prayed for him to go and quit suffering, but when the day came, I was not ready. It is so hard to put in to words. I had music playing for Rex most of the time. He loved music. As time was getting closer for him to leave this earth, I lay next to him in the bed and the song "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban was playing when he passed. We both loved that song. I was alone with him, but friends and family came to my side quickly. I am so greatful for my close friends and family who were by Rex's side when he was ill and remain by my side today. I don't know what I would do without you. And some have truly disappointed me and hurt me. The last few months have been harder than I even imagined. And I don't know what I would do without my good friends and family. Love you so much. I am forever grateful.
For some reason the last few weeks have been very hard and I find my self so emotional that it is hard to be around people and talk on the phone. I am trying to do the best I can. I feel my wounds are deep and many have told me it takes along time for them to heal. I pray that the Lord will continue to help me and guide me through this Journey. Sometimes I feel totally alone. It is a new experience for me everyday. So I just try keep on moving.
Hopefully not all my posts will be so depressing. But right now I'm just keeing it real.
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