Where do I being? What do I say? So much I want to say. But some may not want to hear. I'm starting this blog to see if it can give me some comfort to get my feelings out and hope that it helps to heal my heart, my open wounds that don't show on the surface, but are deep penetrating wounds. In the beginning it will probably be depressing to read, but I hope as time goes on, it will get better. I do have some happy things and good things in my life, that I have to focus on to get me through these trying times.

When we are young and growing up we invision our lives a certain way. Or at least I did. I would go to college, marry a man I adore and he adored me, have several children and love life. I knew there would  be ups and downs, but wow did I get more than I even could've dreamed of. I did go to college to be a RN and it has been a great career for me. I did marry a man I adored and we had a beautiful daughter Talisa, who has brought more joy to my life than I ever imagined. After 7 1/2 years found my self a single mother. It was a very difficult time in my life, but I did it. There were times taking her to day care at 6 am which was hard. But we got through it. Remarried a wonderful man Rex several years later and found my self moving to Texas, I had prayed to meet somone great, but I didn't pray to move to Texas and moving away from my family. It was a new experience in it self to remarry and move so far away. He was great and tried so hard to make everything wonderful. Was it easy no, was it worth it. YES. Marriage is a challenge each and everyday. It requires much effort and one hopes that the good days out weight the bad days. You learn to grow together and work hard through the good and the bad. We moved to Georgia worked hard, disappointments along the way. When I invisioned my life, it was never with only 1 child, but that's what I was blessed with. But thank goodness she has been so great in my life. I don't know what I would ever do without her.

Over the last 16 years, we had many ups and downs in our marriage and life, but until 2 years ago when the battle of our lives of fighting cancer started. So much I could say there, but I have written about it in the www.carringbridge/rexlindley.org. Last Feb I had a feeling that we needed to go on a family vacation with Talisa and Blake, I just new in my heart that we had to go. I was afraid to face what I felt was to come in the the next year or so. My fears were correct when Rex's cancer came back in Sept. I am so thankful for the time we shared together on our cruise last May at this time.

We had just a great time and that was really the last time I saw Rex smile and laugh. He swam with sting rays. We walked on the beach and the ship and just spent quality time together, which I am so grateful for today.

Since then Talisa and Blake have had a beautiful boy named McCoy and I am so thankful I was able to be there when he was born and spend sometime with him. Thanks Talisa and Blake for allowing me to be a part of that special time. My heart was changed that day. So grateful for Rex's mother coming to stay with him so I could go to Utah. I'm so grateful that Rex was able to meet his sweet grandson before he left us. When McCoy was here Rex wanted to hold him as much as he could. He fed him, burped him and rocked him. McCoy fell asleep in his arms many times. Rex bought him a pocket knife long before he was born and insisted in buying him his first 22 rifle. Rex made a video to McCoy that I hope McCoy will know how much he loved him, even though he didn't get to know his grandpa Rex.

When Rex began to get sicker in January, I knew his time on earth was getting shorter and it was so hard to watch him be in pain and I prayed he would not suffer. We talked about what would come in the future and I told him I would be ok. As it got closer he began to suffer and it tore my heart out. Unless you were here or have gone through this, you truly have no idea how it tares your heart out. I prayed for him to go and quit suffering, but when the day came, I was not ready. It is so hard to put in to words. I had music playing for Rex most of the time. He loved music. As time was getting closer for him to leave this earth, I lay next to him in the bed and the song "You Raise Me Up" by Josh Groban was playing when he passed. We both loved that song. I was alone with him, but friends and family came to my side quickly. I am so greatful for my close friends and family who were by Rex's side when he was ill and remain by my side today. I don't know what I would do without you. And some have truly disappointed me and hurt me.  The last few months have been harder than I even imagined. And I don't know what I would do without my good friends and family. Love you so much. I am forever grateful.

For some reason the last few weeks have been very hard and I find my self so emotional that it is hard to be around people and talk on the phone. I am trying to do the best I can. I feel my wounds are deep and many have told me it takes along time for them to heal.  I pray that the Lord will continue to help me and guide me through this Journey. Sometimes I feel totally alone. It is a new experience for me everyday. So I just try keep on moving.

Hopefully not all my posts will be so depressing. But right now I'm just keeing it real.